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;swat my soul-

[ website | deadjournallllllll ]
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[12 Mar 2002|02:36pm]
dude. gaa
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i love nathan [12 Mar 2002|09:32am]
i love nathan yes i do lol <33
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this is jakes rant. love it. learn from it. make love to it. <333333 [12 Mar 2002|09:18am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

people are wreckless with other peoples emotions...because of pride...and greed...and other bullshit little emotions..but some people never really seem to get it...and they aim for that which they can't get, and ignore that which they can...you shouldn't be wreckless with orther peoples hearts...and you shouldn't give time to people that are wreckless with yours...but it's fucking hard...and I know it...there will be a time when I will of had enough..and I will need to let go...and that time is vastly approaching....there was a girl I had a previous rant about..and the more I thought about it..the more I knew she would just get pissed...and how did I know that you ask? because she is not special...she is not diffrent, she is not the one thing I have been waiting for my whole life...she is typical...just like me..just like we all are, no matter how special you may think you are, no matter how much you strive to be diffrent..you never will be..you are typical, it's not nessasarily a bad thing though...it is, what it is...the true travisty is your faith in people....your level of how special you are is exactly equal to how much faith you have in people....I had faith in someone..I once belived they would never let me down, and no matter what I did, they would understand...but no one is like that..and no one ever will be...no one will every truley understand you...no one will ever go through everything you've gone through in life, and NO ONE will ever truley love you....no one is capable of that emotion...the most they can love is the concept of love...which is all we are looking for...everyone looking to be loved...but no one willing to love..and the chance of 2 people in the world both being willing to truley love eachother forever....well the chances aren't exactly great..thats all i'm saying...think about this for a second..there are billions of people in the world, and more girls than guys...now someone is bound to be left out if there's only 1 true love for everyone...I'm not ready to love..if for no other reason than no one is truley ready to love me...and it will probably never happen...and I do mean never, I might not die alone..but I will die without love...and you probably will to...because everyone wants what they can't have and ignore that which they can.

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hurtfulness in the air [08 Mar 2002|03:02pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

i lied to nathan again about my age. i am getting sick of lying. i am thinking about giving up everything that ive worked for. its not worth it anymore. id sacrifice my life for nathan. but he doesnt trust me and i dont trust myself. everything is this world is backfiring in my face and i desperatly need out of life itself. if going towards suicide, i might have to. who knows. i bet that when i come to school on monday, the teachers will ask me if im ok. since they cant stay out of our lives. dont they rule over us enough? its pathetic how they come and hack into things that are ours. its sick and wrong. i hate it. if i ever remember how my hacker program works again, i am going to use it to ruin this schools every little bit of information. its going to be worth it. oh, you cant even say that it wouldnt be the best thing ever since michael jackson turned "white" but is still very dark inside and is dealing with it. god. i hate life all by it self. it fucks me over too many times. im loosing nathan. so my life is done with. finally.;/

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what a freak [24 Feb 2002|03:19pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i have just made fun of a completely off and freakish dumb ass. my days work is complete. ;x. nathan you better call me tonight or else i will be royally pissed. or shall we say, cheesed off. HA

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[23 Feb 2002|09:18pm]
i have just noticed that i have put in the same entry twice(what a moron?).
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something i think of often when i look at my favorite book "hard love" [23 Feb 2002|07:23pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Interview with Stepfather
BOY: so youd like to interview for the job of stepfather?
STEP: well, i will if i have to. i sure would like to marry your mother.
BOY: and id sure like to know your qualifications for the job, if i may.
STEP: i didnt think i needed any qualifications. i mean, the real job is being a husband to your mother, isnt it? this stepfather thing just happens. i didnt think id have to do anthing.
BOY: you dont have to, however, doing nothing would make you indistinguishable from my real father. surely you dont want that to happen.
STEP: oh, certainly not. im glad you told me. well, if he doesnt do anything, i guess ill have to do a lot. what kinds of things should i do, though? take you to baseball games? toss the old football around the yard? you like to go fishing?
BOY: god, no. how about you help me pull a few tricks on mom? maybe we can put some plastic cockroaches in her bed, or maybe fill her shampoo bottle with maple syrup, or donate all her shoes to the salvation army? i think it would help us bond.
STEP: what! i would never do that to your mother! whats the matter with you, boy?
BOY: i guess i need a firm but loving hand.
STEP: you do, young fella, and ill be there to give it to you.
BOY: im sure you will. im sure you gave it to your own son, didnt you?
STEP: my son? well, i dont see the boy too often. lives in another state, you know?
BOY: state of confusion?
STEP: huh?
BOY: lets continue with the interview: are you aware that when my beloved mother snores it measures six point two on the richter scale? and did you know that when the cat bit her, she bit him back?
STEP: stop it, boy. your lying. you dont deserve to have such a wonderful mother, if you dont mind me saying so.
BOY: dont mind in the least. id even agree with you. she, however, does deserve me. after all, that wonderful mother raised me, didnt she? molded me into the great guy i am today. what you see before you is the result of her hard work.
STEP: you know what i think? i think you must be just like your father. its not your mother's fault you're so rotten - its that lousy father of yours.
BOY: sir, i think you hit the nail on the head. im a reproduction of the old bore : selfish and full of shit. the prize of your insightfulness is the hand of my mother. long may it wave.
STEP: get lost, kid. we dont need your kind 'round here.
BOY: my feelings exactly.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 7 [23 Feb 2002|07:10pm]
[ mood | numb ]

i love metalica.
i feel as if i am an outsider.
i am glad.
i like the feeling.
i walk alone.
i feel free.
i told nathan i loved him.
i felt it was time.
i like him and i know he feels the same.
i know he does.
i know hes worth it.
i think about the initial feeling.
i read "hard love" and nathan and i are similar to the characters.
i am not a lesbian though.
i am very much straight.
i want to buy a barbie.
i want to deck it out in gothic style.
ill call it the gothic bitch barbie.
ill dye its hair red and black and say its me.
ill tell the preps it holds my soul.
i will laugh.
i will love it.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 6 [23 Feb 2002|07:04pm]
[ mood | cold ]

(previously written)
i am numb.
i am as still as a dead tree.
i felt heartless.
i lied.
i lied(for money?).
i rob innocent boys hearts.
i crush boys intentions of love/loving me.
i am in love.
i am in love with another.
i am in love with nathan.
i lied to nathan.
i lied about my petty age.
i lied.
i lied to my grandmother.
i lied to her face.
i lied to her two weeks prior to her death.
i almost killed her.
i made her pick me up when she was ill.
i hurt someone close to me(nathan).
i love nathan.
i am closer to him than any other male driven sex offender.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 5 [23 Feb 2002|03:57pm]
[ mood | amused ]

im sad.
im tired.
i noticed life is less important.
i sense life doesnt matter.
i checked my email.
i recieved an email.
i opened the email.
i read the email from another human.
i love that human(nathan).
i want to hug him.
i want to see him.
i just want to talk to him.
i am sad though.
i know the distance.
i think that the distance is about 6 or 7 hours north.
i drink my caffeine free diet coke.
i think about hoobastank.
i wonder when all these games are done.
i wonder when my family will understand me.
i am an only chilld.
im the only one of my kind.
i love adema.
i love nathan.
i love another but my mother doesnt understand.
i cant even get lj to work the way i want it to.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 4 [23 Feb 2002|03:28pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i go through the photo album.
i cry.
i morn.
i sniffle in my own way known to man.
i hear arguing upstairs.
i see lori crying.
i see my father trying to help lori.
i see anita and carol complaining.
i see arm movements.
i feel hate in the air.
i walk into the dinning room.
i talk to fred(carols freaky husband).
i understand what is going on.
i understand this.
i finally get it.
i hear my family falling apart.
i see sides forming.
i see an alliance.
i see one that will never be broken.
i have to scream.
i scream(in my pillow).
i cry.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 3 [23 Feb 2002|03:24pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

i look at my dead rose.
i thought there was beauty within.
i was merely wrong.
i think there is more to a rose than beauty(a knife at its side?).
i want a letter filled with dead roses.
i think something dead is wonderful.
i think otherwise about my dead grandmother.
i miss her.
i think of her often.
i dont think of my grandfather.
i think he married my grandmother for the homemade ice cream(or shall we say the rice?).
i regret not telling her i loved her.
i watched her die.
i saw her face.
i trembeled.
i cried.
i saw my father cry for the first time.
i am crying now.
i have to take care of my slightly off family.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 2 [23 Feb 2002|03:18pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i am clearing my past.
i am merely starting over.
i am hoping nathan will stand by me.
i will be happy.
i will not pursue suicide.
i hate suicide.
i hate death.
i hate all that deals with death and dead bodies.
i do love the color black.
i also love the color red.
i hate politics.
i hate politicians.
i hate my death - filled aunts (anita and carol).
i think they believe in the full - blooded christ.
i do not.
i wish they died.
i will attend their funerals with a rather big smile.

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The hateful truth about Emily - Part 1 [22 Feb 2002|03:01pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

i lied.
i hurt.
i went around the system.
i told a hurtful lie.
i lied to another.
i lied to another human.
i liked that human(nathan).
i lied about my age.
i lied saying i was a senior.
i lied saying i was 17.
i should of known.
i should have told the truth.
i hate lies.
i hate liers.
i hurt someone close to me.
i hurt them.
i stabbed and twisted the knife.
i could of killed.
i could have lied.
i didnt.
i didnt lie.
i told the truth.
i want to be sedated(the song).
i want my nathan back.
i want life.
i want love.
i want trust.

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WAAAHOOO [21 Feb 2002|03:05pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

wahooo i just got validated. i am a champion. it took me a while but i did it!!!

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wawawa [21 Feb 2002|02:52pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

"remember that terrible day, when mark set off the store alarm and gina got dumped by that dennis guy and i drew the picture and lucas made the voodoo doll, and you wore that skirt that i hate. . 'what skirt? the one with the flowers. the blue skirt, you hate that skirt?' yeah, i hate that skirt, but it's good that i hate that skirt, because i realized, if i can, if i can. . love her in that skirt then this must really be it. " -- Empire Records
i love that part. ;D

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yayness [20 Feb 2002|03:05pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

(previously written)
i just got off the phone with one of the most adorable guys i know. <3NATHAN<3!!! EEEEEEEEE!!! hes soooo hottt and sooo sexy. o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o
can you just imagin? lol

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grr [20 Feb 2002|02:50pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

(previously written)
Its 10 oclock and im starting to think about my grandma. all i remember is her dead body on that doctors table. i cant even remember all the good things about her. i dont remember her smile. i dont remember her at all. all i remember is her face when she died. how her mouth twitched and looked like a almost dead fish trying to breath in water. it pisses me off when my heartless aunts act like my grandma ment nothing to her. it royally pisses me off. they act like now they can boss my grandpa around like no tomorrow. its not fair. everythng is changing. i had written this whole thing down. so id know what to say. but i have changed my mind. im writing from the heart. i hate you god. im athiest and i am god damn fucking proud. i will not serve your unrighteous ways. my children will not attend your churches. NOTHING. you will not get one oz of my love for you.

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[19 Feb 2002|07:01pm]
harry potter. gotta love it
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[19 Feb 2002|06:37pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

hotmail is making me very angry. i have to change all of my passwords because of some easily amused pest. so yeah. its making me very mad and i hate it when im mad because i might start talking to the "air" . i think i got that trait from my mother. she talks to the dog. today i looked at our mail and , why yes, we got the phone bill for the cell phone. i had used all of the minutes. a record. i was very wow'ed. it kind of scared me because the last time i did something bad i had my posessions taken away from me. it was sort of scary because i almost became homeless. but anyways. this pointless drivel is making me think that there is no point in trying to do the "right thing". i dont have a little person on my shoulders telling me if somethings good or bad. i dont have anything. thats the beautiful part about it. i can do something so righteously bad, and my parents would not flip. they know that if i get hit or anything, id call the cops in a matter of .6 seconds flat. but other then that. im pretty well not normal. i love this part. defining moments. (mother id starting to talk to me)

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