Interview with Stepfather
BOY: so youd like to interview for the job of stepfather?
STEP: well, i will if i have to. i sure would like to marry your mother.
BOY: and id sure like to know your qualifications for the job, if i may.
STEP: i didnt think i needed any qualifications. i mean, the real job is being a husband to your mother, isnt it? this stepfather thing just happens. i didnt think id have to do anthing.
BOY: you dont have to, however, doing nothing would make you indistinguishable from my real father. surely you dont want that to happen.
STEP: oh, certainly not. im glad you told me. well, if he doesnt do anything, i guess ill have to do a lot. what kinds of things should i do, though? take you to baseball games? toss the old football around the yard? you like to go fishing?
BOY: god, no. how about you help me pull a few tricks on mom? maybe we can put some plastic cockroaches in her bed, or maybe fill her shampoo bottle with maple syrup, or donate all her shoes to the salvation army? i think it would help us bond.
STEP: what! i would never do that to your mother! whats the matter with you, boy?
BOY: i guess i need a firm but loving hand.
STEP: you do, young fella, and ill be there to give it to you.
BOY: im sure you will. im sure you gave it to your own son, didnt you?
STEP: my son? well, i dont see the boy too often. lives in another state, you know?
BOY: state of confusion?
BOY: lets continue with the interview: are you aware that when my beloved mother snores it measures six point two on the richter scale? and did you know that when the cat bit her, she bit him back?
STEP: stop it, boy. your lying. you dont deserve to have such a wonderful mother, if you dont mind me saying so.
BOY: dont mind in the least. id even agree with you. she, however, does deserve me. after all, that wonderful mother raised me, didnt she? molded me into the great guy i am today. what you see before you is the result of her hard work.
STEP: you know what i think? i think you must be just like your father. its not your mother's fault you're so rotten - its that lousy father of yours.
BOY: sir, i think you hit the nail on the head. im a reproduction of the old bore : selfish and full of shit. the prize of your insightfulness is the hand of my mother. long may it wave.
STEP: get lost, kid. we dont need your kind 'round here.
BOY: my feelings exactly.